It's less than two weeks away!

So here's my take on Valentine's Day.
Although my mom is more often than not the only person who gets me anything, I love the day. I love love! It's a gift I think I have, because even after I've endured a few heartbreaks, I still look forward to the day.
That said, I have a few bones to pick with the tradition.

1. Stop filling stores I often go to - like Hobby Lobby and Dollar Tree, with seas of red and pink swirls raging underneath piles of chocolate roses, stuffed bears and all tacky heart shit- with Valentine's Day things until AT LEAST Feb. 1st. Nobody should need to be reminded of Valentine's Day early. Not even men. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE love. I'm a bittersweet romantic little 20 (almost 21) year old.  I just don't see the point in dragging it on so long! Even I get annoyed by the end of the romance season, and that's a difficult task to complete. 

2. Is there any chance I could sit down with Hallmark to refresh the assortment of Valentine's Day cards, just a little? I understand that some people are SO in love that their cards just need to be extremely flamboyant and spilling with heart confetti. I understand the cards that are just plain, and simple, the ones that just simple say "I love you.". What I don't understand is why Hallmark hasn't banked on the concept of "I (almost) love you, " or "I love you (but not really)" cards. I'm willing to bet that the vast majority of twenty-something year old girls would go ape shit over cards like that. The ones that go about it in a nicer way than " I like you very much and want to appreciate you as being my valentine, but I'm not ready to say those very intimidating three words". All's I'ms Sayins is that I think there should be more of a variety of phrases between "I like you" and "I love you", especially around this time of year.

3. My final argument: Keep it simple. Please. Don't go out and buy your loves chocolates, roses, stuffed bunnies and a card. It's too much. It's overwhelming! Show your love in other ways, everyday and keep the Valentine's Day stuff simple. That's what we, as women, want.

$$$

It all comes down to the benjamins.
I'll know I'm accomplished when;
I can remodel my kitchen IKEA style
I can shop without looking at pricetags
I can buy anything for full price without feeling guilty
I can give actual gifts that I didn't just make with things I had at home
I can ask for refills at the bar

Here's to the new me, because the old me is too damn depressing.

Before I realized I had a lack of natural confidence, nothing was as problematic.
I mean, nothing is really all that problematic now except for myself. I am problematic.
Or clumsy, however you choose to look at it all.
I daydream because I don't have enough time to sleep,
working two jobs and still living the college lifestyle of "never having enough"
but somehow finding enough change to get my eggs from the dollar store.

I'm trying this thing, where I write and don't erase.. I started this entry off on the wrong key. I didnt' want it to be negative. But I'm in a funk, again. I feel like I alwasy revert back to these holes of less energy, less motivation and happiness. My pill dosage hasn't changed, and my life is actually better than before I started medication, I think I just need to find my thing. My thing I'm exceptionally good at.
I have been saying that my personal quote this year is "I'm pretty good at a lot of things, but not exceptionally good at one thing." and I suppose that is where my negative attitude stems from, ultimately.  Can't be positive when the message I've been representing this year is that I'm in shorter terms "not amazing"... but I really need to start thinking and believing that I am. Even if I'm not the best at one thing right now.
I think a lot about time and age. I've got a boyfriend who's considerably older, and he tells me about all the things he's accomplished by his age, and I wonder often where I'll be when I'm 28. Where my friends will be (this seems to be more of a concern at times, I worry about my friends!)  and what they'll be up to, and if we even still talk.
I feel like a floater. Naive and dense all at the same time, coexisting inside myself while floating above reality like I'm not really there. It's like I take on this cloudy mind and just sit there with it. My motivation comes in short lived bursts. I think about this though, and these short lived bursts are actually more than I've had, ever. I feel like I've hardly ever been motivated to actually produce something.
I know what I need to do, I knwo what I want to do, but it's like I sit down to start doing it... and I choke. I get scared (don't know why) and do something else like make playlists or eat or just stare at the ceiling.  or cry. Sometimes, it's like I'm two people; and the me I know and want to project isn't strong enough to do anything. I think that writing this down is helping, because it's my way of confronting myself and solving my peronal problems.
Starting the new year with a resolution never works for me. I make a good, thought out resolution that could really help me and make my life better... and then two months later i'm back to my old ways and eating too much sugar.  This year, my resolution is to not make a resolution. because i wouldn't stick with it anyway. 
instead, i'm starting a new thing today, by writing this and documenting what I'm unhappy with about myself, I can actually change. I'm ready to finally put my motivation to work and to strenghten my mind in order to strengthen the rest of my life.
My fancy studio apartment decorated so that every angle will look nice when photographed won't pay for itself, so i suppose I should start to actually apply myself with my work. make projects that i've been talking about doing into a reality.
i've actually accomplished a lot this year, and rather than doing my usual freakout and quit.. I"m going to stick with what i've got and push forward.  only now, i want to do it faster and with more passion.  i want to live my life by looking forward to every opportunity handed to me and i'm going to stop being so FUCKING AFRAID OF EVERYTHING.
the fears ive harvested my entire life are no match for the power of my mind and what i want to do from here on out.

im not going to be afraid of myself anymore.
i know i can be proud of myself and push myself hard enough to want to show myself off to people again. (yeah, i've been there and I remember slightly how it felt... and that it was better than I feel now).
i will start accepting my life as the way it is and realizing that there is always something i can do to make it that much better. im going to let my daydreaming dictate where my life actually goes. im going to be confident and fearless for the first time in my life... and deciding that that's what i want already has made me feel so much better.

so here's to me, for accepting that i've been my only problem. and that i'm sick of being a problem, and that there will be less problem as i do more for myself.

and that my writing, from here on out, will be much more light hearted, and less confontational as i'll be more honest with myself.
No more mindless traveling plague, just being mindful and confident and beautiful. Because I'm 20 (almost 21) and I may not know where I fit in on the young adult spectrum, but I do know where I want to be and that for me to get there is oging to take dedication and confidence and hard work.
I want to show myself off for once. To be a person with a personality to show off. I like that side of me, and I'm going to make that more prominent... because it feels better than sitting in bed all day with my kitten, worrying about money and the things I can't control.

BECAUSE NOT ONLY AM I GOOD ENOUGH, I"M AMAZING AND I AM LOVED  BY MANY INCLUDING MYSELF. I'M GOING TO SHOW EVERYONE WHAT I CAN DO. I AM GOING TO GIVE MYSELF MY ALL. IM GOING TO SAVE MYSELF BEFORE IM GONE. IM GOING TO ENJOY EVERYTHING, BECAUSE THERES NOT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON NOT TO. BECAUSE I SHOULDNT HAVE TO REMIND MYSELF TO BE HAPPY ANYMORE. IT'S GOING TO COME TO ME, WITHOUT QUESTION, IN EXTREME AMOUNTS REGULARLY WITHOUT ASSISTANCE. BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH ANYONE CLOSE TO ME COULD READ THIS RIGHT NOW AND NOT REALIZE IVE BEEN FEELING THIS WAY, AND TO ME REALIZING I HAD SOME DEEP PROBLEMS WITH MYSELF.

these are all pieces ive been keeping to myself for at least a year now. and although they are scattered, they make sense to me and i realize i have some work to do. i realize ive got an amazing life and the only one to blame is myself for not enjoying everything to its fullest.

Boob Kitty

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Beggin

There's this fire lately, 

flames licking the end of my soul

aiding my distance, 

I stare into the depths of this beast, I see what it wants and I refuse to give in fully

but a part of me still melts, and I turn back on the strength I've been working so hard to build 

we dance, the fire and I, to a passionate tango

back and forth for days, almost letting go of my hands mid-spin

glaring down on me, waiting for my back to break as I fall

and somehow, at the last possible second, I catch myself

I compose myself, get back on my feet, and reach out for more

This is where I am comfortable, this tango of hell

it's not where I'm happy or healthy, but it's familiar

too familiar

I try to dance away, a solo rendition

but it's never as satisfying as the warm touch of that fire

Dancing with Fred Astaire as I am Ginger Rogers

"Heaven... I'm in heaven .. la da da da dee dee da da dum da dummm! I'm in heaven!..." is warmly ringing in my thoughts as I'm attempting to fall asleep. I'm tired and I want to go to sleep, but I'm enjoying the benefits of memorizing a song, because once a person can FEEL a song like this, like I am right now, then nobody can ever take it away from you. You don't have to pay for it, ever and nobody can harm it or confiscate it in any way. That's what's so beautiful about music.

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Typhoon- Claws Pt 1& 2

I am desperately trying to find a balance between the clouds and my feet...
This week is crammed full of starts, risks, and work.
It's good, but it's busy.
My head isn't so...bogged down anymore.  I'm having good thoughts lately, like, really really good thoughts. Creative, positive, lovely thoughts that I am not ashamed to be thinking and feeling.


Things are good again :) aaand I think that's why I've decided to end my writing hiatus.

Hopefully this is my turnaround

-keep clean: in mind, in health, in living
-keep organized: in order things should be, keep myself safe and smart
-keep drive: stay informed, intrigued and compassionate
-keep up: quit falling behind, for certain it has been too long

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Lil bitta soul for my afternoon

Tis been ages, dear Blog. I miss you. I say this too often.. I say "I say this too often" about missing my blog. My writing has been the least of my priorities lately, and honestly I do miss everything about it. I just can't find the passion or time to write like I used to. My busy life has become incredibly dismal... But I digress, a little music that has been refreshing and lifted my bootstraps

What a lovey dovey life I'm living :)

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I MISS WRITING

This is what I'm doing right now, and damn do I look cute or what?

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It is what it is

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To Be Young - Tall Heights

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It goes a lil something like this

I seem to have lost my poetic touch.
The end of my sentences; dull, my trail of thoughts; dry.
Where art thou, romantic language that hath brought my eyes warmth, my soul fire and my toes life?

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Home is where the trees are

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Like I've said before..

If it makes you happy, do it.
If it doesn't, don't.


I know that dating a man (a quite older man) from very far away seems risky, naive, and preposterous, but it makes me happy. I don't care if it doesn't seem smart or reasonable or even logical to anyone who cares to listen to me speak about Neil. I care about him, he cares about me, and I'm happy. I'm a happy young woman who is going to see her Fine Canadian man in less than two weeks!

BITCH CUP

Okay ill tell you know. A)im toasted as a waffle and drunk as a sailor.. just some foreshadowing. So, i was at my neighbor's house (new friend, cool friend) and i went over to play beer pong, right? And they play with this set of Polish rules, one of which being that if you make the "bitch cup" (center cup) before you make any other cup, you drop your trousers for the game. Fun rules! Everyone gets a little awkward and embarrassed for a sec but it makes the night that much more comfortable, ironically. Anything after dropping trow is less awkward. So i hadn't known the rules because apparently the bitch cup wasnt made until two cups of the last game before my turn.. i stare across the room, at some frat boys' skinny bird legs and too-revealing boxer-briefs, terrified that the next ten minutes wasnt enough time to escape. I look at my purse, come up with an excuse that I want to "run it home because i bet ill forget it later", afterall i am with the Women's Lacrisse team and jock boy friends, to whom purses are never necessity for party attire such as my taste this evening. If you hadn't picked up on it by now, I'm not wearing underwear tonight. Im the stupid bimbo who somehow worked her way into strip-pong around "cool kids" on the ONE NIGHT I go commando. It wasn't an act of promiscuity, just simply that I was too damn lazy to put on panties after my shower today. I ran home, four houses away, still a little drunk and still a little terrified, and ran to my clothes boxes (I was still in the midst of unpacking since my move into my house) and heard a knock at the door. In hand were my lace-trimmed, rose printed booty shorts, which i slipped over one foot and almost toppled over when I switched legs, sucked in my stomach and yanked up my cut off jean shorts and zipped them in less time than it's ever taken me to take them off before a wild night, and stomped drunkily to my front door with my best guy friend (strictly, JUST guy friend) already letting himself in looking for my drunk ass as I sighed in relief and left for the party where foe the first time, not one of the games of pong did I ever make "the bitch cup".

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