The Quick Realization

This is when it hit me.
"Yeah, you answer other people's questions a lot."
First, I realized how annoying that must be. I'm that girl that sits in class, eavesdropping and putting my nose into other conversations that I'm not invited into.  I hate it when people do what I do.
 Once I realized that not only do I answer questions that aren't directed towards me, I realized how often I argue with one of my best friends. I am constantly on defense-mode with her, subconsciously. She doesn't deserve that. Not one bit of it. (To all of whom that includes, I am sorry. Really, really sorry. I love you, so much.) I hate it when people are on the defense with me, without even giving my thoughts a chance.
Once I realized how defensive I am with her, I realized how defensive I am with almost everybody I'm close to.  It isn't (or at least I don't think it is...) a matter of feeling attacked by everyone, necessarily, but I suppose more of me trying to prove myself to myself. I'm just going about it in the worst way possible. I hate it when people can never accept that they're wrong.
To others, I probably come off as an arrogant, defensive, know-it-all bitch.
To me, I'm a brittle, breaking, ignorant person, unworthy of everything and everyone I associate myself with. I feel like my best is nowhere close to mediocre.
I feel like I'm always just about to hit a burst of creativity and brilliance, but I never get there. It's like I can just barely taste it, but my craving is never satisfied, nor will it ever be.
I'm not looking for pity. Nowhere near that.
I'm looking for a change from within.
I want to revert back to some (not all) of my young, innocent self. When I didn't know how badly I could beat myself up. Where my ultimate goal every morning was to find something good in every person, no matter what their story was, and make sure that they know they have something about themselves to celebrate. I want to do selfless things for people, to make their day even the slightest bit more endurable, without having to tell myself to think of other people first.
The worst part of it all is that I didn't know I had gotten myself to this point.
It's nobody's fault but my own. I hate it.
The second worst part is I don't know exactly when this started, even more how long it's been going on.
I'm not someone I like.
Starting tomorrow, I 'll be changing all of this.