These are my thoughts. They are for me. For the me now, and the me to be.
I don't always make sense, and I like living that way.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

This one is for me.

At this very second, I'm scaring myself. I did not know that I was capable of hating myself so much, so fast. This all just rushed into my thoughts. And all I can do is curl up my fat lumpy limbs and try to hold myself together enough to breathe. I am disgusting. I am gross.
I don't know if its me alone, or what, but the way I see myself in my head is entirely different than what I actually look like. In my mind, I resemble a much smaller, healthier, more graceful girl. Beautiful and bubbly and glowing. I had convinced myself that I looked good. And even by my own standards. Right when I just started to feel comfortable in my own skin and loved by myself, I saw a picture of myself and I noticed more dark red streaks on my skin. It's a sign. My body cannot harvest my depression any longer. It is literally stretching beyond its limits to provide a home for all my sad thoughts and feelings.
I do not buy into the whole "love yourself even if you're not a stick" shpeal, nor do I buy into the anorexia shpeal, but I am not comfortable with myself anymore. I feel like damaged goods. And as I'm sitting here crying, that's all I'm repeating in my head.
Damaged goods
Damaged goods
Damaged goods
And looking in the mirror to try and convince myself that I'm beautiful by any standard is just going to happen when I look the way I do.
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2 comments:

  1. The Finley MyrtleJuly 3, 2011 at 4:39 PM

    It isn't always easy to find reason when you are held captive by depression. I am well-experienced when it comes to depression and the way it can warp a person's perspective.

    Have you asked yourself WHY you don't buy into these things? Why don't you buy into the whole "love yourself even if you're not a stick" thing? I've been there, and when I took the time to ask myself what was REALLY going on I learned some valuable stuff. For me, it was because I refused to love or forgive myself. I had a terrible self-esteem and it fed my depression, which in turn fed my low self-esteem.

    I feel for you. It's not easy to build a better relationship with yourself, but it's so worth it! I had to pretend at first. It's not easy to go from self-defeating to self-forgiving. Just treat yourself like you really do love yourself and eventually you'll come to embrace it.

    Take care of yourself. You ARE beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
  2. BelseyKurnsJuly 9, 2011 at 10:35 AM

    Thank you. Very, very much.
    I'd write a long response telling you about all that you've opened my eyes to, but I have a feeling you already know

    ReplyDelete

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