My subconscious is too ironic for my own good.
Last night I had a dream, a really real dream. I thought that I'd had dreams that felt real before, but this pushed things to a whole different level. I smelled the grass we were sitting on, I felt it tickling the bottoms of my bare feet, your skin had never been so soft against mine. All the sounds were so true and so beautiful. Your voice, your voice, your voice. And your kiss gave me butterflies that carried on past me waking up. This was too real, and too painful all to quick.
We were with a lot of people, at what must've been a summer party. More of a hang out, really, but it was with all the people who we always talked about being friends with together. It finally pieced together for us, and everything felt like it was supposed to happen that way. I won't say it felt right or perfect, it just felt normal like we had done it many many times before.
A few strange things happened, as it was a dream and that's how my dreams are. I'd been sitting down with you and the rest of our friends, talking and laughing. I remember I glanced at you, the glance you do when you still feel for someone and you know they don't feel back. I saw you in slow motion as my eyes wandered over those blue-green eyes and that dark hair and that beautiful alabaster face. We caught each other for a second, and upon my shameful look back to the group, you got up from your seat and came at sat with me on the couch. You held my hand. That's when I remembered your hands. They were always the most perfect man-hands I'd ever held. Not too soft, but not so cracked that it hurt to touch you. When you grabbed my hand, I pulled back thinking you had done it on accident, and your fingers found their way between mind so quick upon my surprise. I was shocked, and it felt like I was choking on my own heart.
I also remember being really close to naked the whole time, but it had no sexual connotation. My skin has never looked so beautiful and sunkissed and smooth. I moved with grace and my steps were mute.
When you seemed like you were just about to tell me what was going on in your head, what you felt about me truthfully, a boy ran in the kitchen. He wasn't screaming but he was not calm by any means. I somehow diagnosed that he was about to have a seizure, and I knew what to do. I layed the boy down, put one of his arms under his head, and stayed with him to watch him and make sure he didn't bite his tongue. I am amazed that in my dream I knew all of this, and that I was so calm and focused.
The boy came to, and I made sure he had something to eat and drink and had a pillow to rest on. After the storm had quieted, you grabbed me. Your fingers around my arm felt so real. There was such a warm impact on my forearm, and I started to get a heavy feeling in my stomach. Deep and distinct and guilty. I was turning my back on everything I had taught myself in the months that I'd been stuck in love limbo with you. I felt guilty against myself and how I'd thought I had healed myself from the deep bloody massacre of a wound you performed on my heart.
And here I was, holding your hand again. Staring into your eyes again. I was never done loving you.
I followed you to the sweet green turf. You layed on your back, smiled your coy smile, the one you know pulls on my heart, and extended those warm arms of yours towards me. I layed on top of you, our legs fit like puzzle pieces. Your smell was so real, so genuine, and your face was just the way I remembered it. This is when Adele's voice started in the background.
I'm mad at my mind for doing this to me. This was the worst part, and it happened too damn fast for me to understand what was going on.
"I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over."
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over."
The piano kept playing, and you were asking me to sing to you. Something you'd never done in real life, but I know you used to listen to me and pretend you didn't. I hummed the chorus and you started shaking your head, you said it was all wrong. Not my humming, but everything-us. You said you'd been hiding. Your soul oozed and everything was spinning, and my stomach was warm and I had butterflies again. Real ones, ones I haven't had since I saw you last. You hugged me tight and pulled my face into yours.
You kissed me like you always used to. So much surprise, immense passion and love. Pure love and nothing else. Those kisses we used to share that we would spend hours on end holding each other and giggling and nuzzling, just taking each other in. Not just knowing each other; experiencing each other.
This kiss was all to familiar, I had almost forgotten what it was like to kiss you. I started crying, right there on top of you. This hurt. You toyed with my heart for so long, and here you were telling me to put my pride aside and open up a fallen love.
This is when I woke up, realized I was laying on my stomach, holding my pillow, and my face was wet. My stomach was in knots....and you weren't really under me. You dissappeared, like you always do, into thin air. And I was still hearing Adele in my head.
"Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known
How bittersweet this would taste?"
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known
How bittersweet this would taste?"
So I kept on crying, and feeling hurt, and broken, and guilty.
I was mad at myself for dreaming this, so real, so mean.
I wanted to tell you, "How dare you?"
But you don't know about this. It was a dream, you didn't take part of any of it. You weren't holding my hand, you weren't talking to me, or cuddling me, or looking at me or kissing me. You weren't even real, no matter how much I wanted to believe you were.
I just keep thinking it was too real to be a nightmare. It felt too promising.
I was closing you off of my mind, slowly, and here my heart goes opening everything back up again. Reminding me of how much you hurt to think about. How much I loved you, and how much I thought it was working.
I know I'm not supposed to give you any thought, or another chance...but I know I would be very tempted to if I got a chance. I know I'm supposed to keep my distance and I should leave you out to dry, but I can't bring myself to it. I still long for you, my heart is aching.
So... when will you come to your senses and love me back?
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