This blog is for my personal use. Somewhat of a textual memory bank. So, if you're reading this and you're not me, it may not make sense...that's okay. I'm sorry.
Alcohol and I do not get along too well. Last night was a beautiful night! I danced with strangers, flailing my limbs around in ways I would never have imagined my body could move. My smile was wide, my soul was lifted. It was the last night of 2011 and I was enjoying everything I was staring at.
It's been a long time since I last cried. Like, at least for me, I kind of consider myself a crybaby actually. And for a while maybe I've just been really happy, or maybe really numb.
This morning, I was horribly hungover. Horrrrrrrrrrrribly hungover haha. And I was sad for no reason. I couldn't identify what was lurking over my cheer, but it was dark, heavy and it was dragging my feet even further into the ground.
"The
main cause is omega 3 deficiency which causes serotonin deficiency.The
neurotransmitter which creates a feeling of pleasure and transmits
electrical impulses in your brain." (Thanks yahooanswers)
So there it was. I guess in some twisted way, I should be happy that my body reacts as it's supposed to when I drink alcohol, it's regular to feel this way. So that's cool I guess.
I slept the majority of today, woozing every time I woke up, shit, every time I moved. It was about five tonight when I decided I should get up and make something of myself today.
I got off the couch, rummaged through my coat pockets and found my car keys so I could go get my phone charger out of my backseat. I opened the garage door and realized I hadn't changed out of my pj shorts, not the most attractive things. Skimpy lil Mesa State shorts, and my red hoodie. No shoes, no socks even, and it was freezing outside. There's not much ice or snow on the ground anymore but the temperature would make much more sense to me if there were.
Time felt like it was moving slower than slow, and the cold air was choking my whole body, gripping my tight. I walked down the driveway, around to the gravel where my car was parked. I stood, staring at my back license plate for, like, three minutes. Just staring at the thing. Not really observing it or analyzing it, just staring. I was getting colder still. And that body choke turned into what felt like a complete and unidentifiable demolition of my insides. I had almost cried 3 times today, and right when I blinked the first time staring at my license plate I realized the real thing was finally coming.
A car drove by and it thawed my frozen stance, I tiptoed through the mud and gravel to my front seat. The second I turned my key in the door the tears came. I was so damn confused. I didn't (and still don't) know why I was even crying or sad or hurting emotionally.
I sat my freezing legs in the driver's seat and dumped my squished face into my soaked hands. Why was this happening? I couldn't target what was the start to this, I mean besides the rotten alcohol part. I didn't know why I was so fallen. I tried to just think and sort through my head, but it didn't work. I couldn't figure it out.
So I sat there for a while and cried. For who the hell knows what reason. And I felt crushed. I kept trying to think but my head was blocked. Congested. Messy.
I wiped my face, the damage was done. For the moment. I opened my door and locked the car. Walked back inside still confused and misty. Closed the garage. Walked to the couch. Bowed my head again and repeated the last fifteen minutes, but wrapped in a blanket and no longer cold.
And I still, STILL, can't figure out what's wrong.
So now, not knowing what had been so upsetting, I'm even more upset because I don't know why all of this is happening.
I need a book to tell me how to figure out my own head. I wish I came with a "How To Figure Your Shit Out" manual.
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