I mean, nothing is really all that problematic now except for myself. I am problematic.
Or clumsy, however you choose to look at it all.
I daydream because I don't have enough time to sleep,
working two jobs and still living the college lifestyle of "never having enough"
but somehow finding enough change to get my eggs from the dollar store.
I'm trying this thing, where I write and don't erase.. I started this entry off on the wrong key. I didnt' want it to be negative. But I'm in a funk, again. I feel like I alwasy revert back to these holes of less energy, less motivation and happiness. My pill dosage hasn't changed, and my life is actually better than before I started medication, I think I just need to find my thing. My thing I'm exceptionally good at.
I have been saying that my personal quote this year is "I'm pretty good at a lot of things, but not exceptionally good at one thing." and I suppose that is where my negative attitude stems from, ultimately. Can't be positive when the message I've been representing this year is that I'm in shorter terms "not amazing"... but I really need to start thinking and believing that I am. Even if I'm not the best at one thing right now.
I think a lot about time and age. I've got a boyfriend who's considerably older, and he tells me about all the things he's accomplished by his age, and I wonder often where I'll be when I'm 28. Where my friends will be (this seems to be more of a concern at times, I worry about my friends!) and what they'll be up to, and if we even still talk.
I feel like a floater. Naive and dense all at the same time, coexisting inside myself while floating above reality like I'm not really there. It's like I take on this cloudy mind and just sit there with it. My motivation comes in short lived bursts. I think about this though, and these short lived bursts are actually more than I've had, ever. I feel like I've hardly ever been motivated to actually produce something.
I know what I need to do, I knwo what I want to do, but it's like I sit down to start doing it... and I choke. I get scared (don't know why) and do something else like make playlists or eat or just stare at the ceiling. or cry. Sometimes, it's like I'm two people; and the me I know and want to project isn't strong enough to do anything. I think that writing this down is helping, because it's my way of confronting myself and solving my peronal problems.
Starting the new year with a resolution never works for me. I make a good, thought out resolution that could really help me and make my life better... and then two months later i'm back to my old ways and eating too much sugar. This year, my resolution is to not make a resolution. because i wouldn't stick with it anyway.
instead, i'm starting a new thing today, by writing this and documenting what I'm unhappy with about myself, I can actually change. I'm ready to finally put my motivation to work and to strenghten my mind in order to strengthen the rest of my life.
My fancy studio apartment decorated so that every angle will look nice when photographed won't pay for itself, so i suppose I should start to actually apply myself with my work. make projects that i've been talking about doing into a reality.
i've actually accomplished a lot this year, and rather than doing my usual freakout and quit.. I"m going to stick with what i've got and push forward. only now, i want to do it faster and with more passion. i want to live my life by looking forward to every opportunity handed to me and i'm going to stop being so FUCKING AFRAID OF EVERYTHING.
the fears ive harvested my entire life are no match for the power of my mind and what i want to do from here on out.
i know i can be proud of myself and push myself hard enough to want to show myself off to people again. (yeah, i've been there and I remember slightly how it felt... and that it was better than I feel now).
i will start accepting my life as the way it is and realizing that there is always something i can do to make it that much better. im going to let my daydreaming dictate where my life actually goes. im going to be confident and fearless for the first time in my life... and deciding that that's what i want already has made me feel so much better.
so here's to me, for accepting that i've been my only problem. and that i'm sick of being a problem, and that there will be less problem as i do more for myself.
and that my writing, from here on out, will be much more light hearted, and less confontational as i'll be more honest with myself.
No more mindless traveling plague, just being mindful and confident and beautiful. Because I'm 20 (almost 21) and I may not know where I fit in on the young adult spectrum, but I do know where I want to be and that for me to get there is oging to take dedication and confidence and hard work.
I want to show myself off for once. To be a person with a personality to show off. I like that side of me, and I'm going to make that more prominent... because it feels better than sitting in bed all day with my kitten, worrying about money and the things I can't control.
BECAUSE NOT ONLY AM I GOOD ENOUGH, I"M AMAZING AND I AM LOVED BY MANY INCLUDING MYSELF. I'M GOING TO SHOW EVERYONE WHAT I CAN DO. I AM GOING TO GIVE MYSELF MY ALL. IM GOING TO SAVE MYSELF BEFORE IM GONE. IM GOING TO ENJOY EVERYTHING, BECAUSE THERES NOT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON NOT TO. BECAUSE I SHOULDNT HAVE TO REMIND MYSELF TO BE HAPPY ANYMORE. IT'S GOING TO COME TO ME, WITHOUT QUESTION, IN EXTREME AMOUNTS REGULARLY WITHOUT ASSISTANCE. BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH ANYONE CLOSE TO ME COULD READ THIS RIGHT NOW AND NOT REALIZE IVE BEEN FEELING THIS WAY, AND TO ME REALIZING I HAD SOME DEEP PROBLEMS WITH MYSELF.
No comments:
Post a Comment