First, I must say that I have some damn good friends. They already have been amazingly supportive and nurturing to my mess of a self this week; making sure doctors appointments went well and asking more questions about my PCOS than I've asked myself. They've all stressed that they know I will be okay, that they can feel it. I feel they have more faith in my health than I do! What are friends for, right? It scares me to think about where my mind would be without them right now. They are too good to me.
Secondly, I think I'm in shock about all of these medical negations against my body. Everything still feels surreal, and it hasn't completely sunk in yet. I feel like when I'm talking about my condition, I'm talking about someone else who has it, not myself. Not me who has never broken a bone, had surgery, or even strepp throat for the matter, and now so suddenly I have a life-long syndrome that I had no idea even existed. It just is going to take a little more time and a lot mote information for me to understand that this is real and it is happening.I feel guilty for ignoring the signs my body has given me, brushing them off and not paying much attention to its desperate cries for help. I feel so naive and so ignorant for letting this go on for so long without even questioning all the things my body was doing. My body has been so good to me, such a very good friend despite a few little tiffs now and then, it has provided a beautiful home for my many thoughts, my innards and my emotions. I can't tell myself enough how sorry I am for turning my back on my body.
Thirdly (I want to record this to look back on later), soon, I want to stop feeling sorry for myself because of this, and to never accept someone else feeling sorry for me either. I say soon because honestly right now I'm vulnerable to my friends feeling sorry and myself feeling sorry. I think its okay for a little while given the circumstances. But not for forever. Nobody and nothing, including this syndrome is going to stop me from living a beautiful, happy and loving life. The life I planned on a week ago before I knew anything about Polycystic Ovary Syndrome even belonging in the world. It is not going to go away, like I've stated before, so there is absolutely no point in sulking around or suffering from something that is simply just permanent. Instead of treating it like a bad tattoo from a drunken night, I'm going to embrace it as a part of my very being and teach people (especially women) about how my body just functions a little differently.
I finally have the answers I needed to the mystery that is my body. I now have medications to help my body and to make me feel normal again. It's like I found a cocktail just for me! This is a great thing! It may not be so easy later, but I will figure things out when I get to them. I always do. And I am not alone. My friends will be there and my family is never leaving.
This is a beautiful thing. I am going to be okay.
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